Promises

I had a dream recently about Derek and I think I should share it with this blog.

By the way I am listening to the soundtrack of Titanic which I bought yesterday.

Anyway. So my dream started out at this fancy catholic cathedral in our city. Only the seats had changed and were more like movie theater seats. All of my friends were there wearing dresses. And I was wearing my homecoming dress. Then I went 'backstage' behind the front part of the church. That's where I found out I was getting married to this guy named... Jared.

Now, a little background about Jared. He asked me to homecoming freshman year and so I think he may have liked me at one point, but I never followed through with anything of course. And I knew he'd liked one of my best friends in eighth grade but she didn't like him back. So I didn't want to be his second choice. He had a girlfriend for about a year which ended a few months ago. She's one of my friends too. And I'm not sure if he likes me now but he's been talking to me more lately.

Anyway, so I was getting ready to go through with my wedding, when my bridesmaids came in. I started talking to them about how nervous I was. But it wasn't just bridal nerves. I was afraid that I was in love with someone else. And I could see someone's face in my dream.. it was Derek. I didn't want to chain myself to Jared if there was any chance that Derek and I could work out in the future. I liked Jared but he wasn't going to be enough. So I went into this side room to think about it... and there was Derek! He was just sitting calmly at a table and smiling, looking beautiful. I sat down across from him and told him my troubles. "I don't think I'm going to marry Jared. I just can't." I didn't tell him that I was in love with him. But he smiled and said, "That's probably a good idea." Then I said I had to change out of my wedding dress. Even though it was just a homecoming dress. And he didn't leave. He just said, "Go ahead and change," still smiling. And... yeah. It's too awkward to write about. But it was nice. And then I woke up.

Okay! So let me tell you about my day yesterday. I went to the city with my brother and we ate at this middle eastern place where they had tahini (everything tastes good with tahini - Princess Diaries). And then we went to FroYo. And then we went to the music store which is where I bought my Titanic soundtrack. Then we drove to the art museum where I sketched a picture of a suit of armor and my brother sketched a lot of things a lot better than I did because he's an architect. Then we went out to the area outside the museum and laid in the grass to soak up the sun. And then I dropped him off at a coffee place and drove home. It was a fun day.

Okay. So I really need to get over Derek. I get the feeling that he and his girlfriend are going to be together FOREVER. Or at least until she goes to college and he goes to die in the Air Force. Aaagh.

How does one go about getting over someone? It took me over two years to get over 42 (this guy who was a senior when I was a freshman. Long story). I think about him all the time. I have to find something to replace him in my mind... maybe another guy that's available. That's pretty much the only thing distracting enough to get my mind off of something as serious as Derek.

I need to stop stalking him on facebook and waiting for hours for him to get online and hoping that he'll talk to me. When he never does.

I need to stop trying to talk to him at school. I need to give up all hope. I should make myself a promise.

I PROMISE

I promise myself that I will not try to romance Derek. I will try not to think about him all the time. I will let him go from my heart like a monarch butterfly. Fly away, Derek!

I will forget about him.

I will not be in love with him.

I do not even have the slightest chance with him.

I will forget about him.

I will not be in love with him.

I do not even have the slightest chance with him.

NO I DID NOT COPY AND PASTE THAT. I TYPED IT TWICE FOR MAXIMUM BRAINWASHING.

Baai. (that is Afrikaans for goodbye)

Stream of Consciousness

Facebook stalk hide out corner align glimpse poor jack afraid mare ram balah chum food burr quick find lease or orange purple please black back apart par forage range pack a pickle plum purpose back pacifier pore much muchly muchness sore rose roses sire rise rises soir song sing sang songs splat spat jack dawson rose dewitt bukater can you repeat that?
Derek love beautiful find tree for purple penguin garden danger snake parent collapse hand clap praying rooftop flower petal painted brick arranged guards owls black as night fearful change charred ashes darkness starry night bleach death anger depression sorry apologize tapes thirteen reasons your fault blame purpose persecute scapegoat fail frown flapper freedom sixteen twenty dresses shoes horses carriage romance nails pleated skirt joking pails mulberry tree effigy fantasma amazing special extraordinary plum excellent peachy organized.
Why no love here want received letter rejected dripping soul loud honor praise paradox staircase hair love distraction clouds dream box safe key secrets blood levels death eyes memories forever limbo psychiatrists sane insane equal drugs free cost price worth palpitations pragmatic prose final flimsy finality family appear ghost albino red monk pentacle place plaid quiet quietly umbrella squid.
Finding lost island trees wind ocean shore break moon tides pools crater fish seastar starfish parenting planning notebooks pencils music pens paper ponytails headphones phone numbers index library decimals friends classes college backpacks dormitories forced labor quit quilt nightingale solitary song plagiarism fright darkness brow beaten bow shame die. 

Nel quinoj.

I LOVE YOU TOO

:) :) :)

BTW I'm not a jew. My grandfather was jewish so Derek has this weird idea that I am jewish too. Also sometimes I pretend to be jewish cause they're cool people.

ADIOS MI AMOR

I Had a Dream

I had a dream... that Derek dumped his girlfriend and then we got married. It was lovely.

He commented on another one of my photos... I need to ask him why he's being a stalker.

I drove to the street he lives on but I had no clue how to find out which house was his. Oh well. I got lost a little bit in this industrial factory zone and then I just followed this legit looking car back to the highway where I found my way home from. I also ran on the treadmill a bit today. Now I'm listening to Muse and trying to do something productive.. it's not working.

I'm almost done with the DaVinci code. It is SO INTENSE. MIND-BLOWING. You MUST read this book. 
I need to practice my french horn and clean my room still today. Blehh...

I'm definitely going to write more later because THIS BLOG POST IS LAME. I just needed to make sure I had at least one post today. 

So. Yeah. My name in Spanish class is Pez Estrella which means starfish. It's also a PENTACLE which is representative of the sacred feminine. :o Yeah.

 Nomoskaar.

Colors

I don't really have much to say... except that, life lesson, just because it's Pi Day does not mean you have to eat a whole apple pie. You will get sick.

I went to this craft store and got a pretty silver and blue heart necklace, and also some posters of famous French paintings. I'm at page 194 of The DaVinci code. I made a strawberry-banana with coconut milk smoothie and it's deliiishous. It's helping me to recover from THE GREAT PI DAY CONSUMPTION.


Red - the color of anger, fire, passionate love
Orange - the color of individuality and energy
Yellow - the color of optimism and hope
Green - the color of healing and health, revitalizing
Blue - the color of peace and calm, relaxation
Purple - the color of royalty and change
Pink - the color of girls
Black - the color of existentialism, depression, loneliness
White - the color of racism, also open-mindedness, ironically
Brown - the color of acceptance and neutrality

Feeling a little bit black and blue. I need some orange and yellow in my life.

toodles.

A Perfect World

My perfect world... there are no separate 'countries' or 'continents,' per se, but rather the population of the world is arranged into smallish islands called 'lands.' Each land is made up of a wide range of diversities - different races and cultures - but everyone on a particular land has the same sort of personality and mindset. At birth, children's minds are scientifically assessed and they are sent to the island where they would best belong.This way everyone on a land gets along perfectly and there are no serious disagreements because they all see the world the same way.
At birth, each infant is also given a special pair of 'permanent contacts'. The color of these contacts corresponds to the land in which they will live. These contacts change to adapt to the growing child's eyes, automatically correcting their vision and changing the color of their iris. Eyes are still slightly different within each land, because if you add pink to both brown and blue eyes, you will get two different resulting shades. These contacts also inject water into the person so that they are hydrated at all times.
No one has jobs, or at least no one has to work. Money does not grow on trees, but everything that one needs does grow on trees (or on bushes). Every citizen has their own plant in their room that grows along with them. It starts off as a tiny sapling when they first come to their home, and by the time they are old, it is a miniature oak tree (or whatever type of tree is native to that land). The person must water and care for the tree every day to receive everything that they need. For from the tree comes food (mostly fruits, vegetables, and healthy grains), clothing, and other necessities.
Citizens do not live in a typical 'family' group, but are randomly assigned to a group of people their same age. At the age of seventeen a person can move to another area if they want. Seventeen is also incidentally the legal marrying age.
There is no school, but if one desires to learn, there are libraries placed periodically over the land, staffed with a team of knowledgeable elderly people, who have volunteered to teach their wisdom to the next generation.
If one wants to live in a better room with more benefits, or to get a more advanced fertilizer for their tree so that it will grow faster, the person can volunteer for the People's Service Form, which is a group of people who go around cleaning up the land, planting flowers, and caring for minorly sick people, or helping people in trouble. There are no uncurable diseases in this world.

The Lands:
Format: Land name, official contact color, official tree

Alcaz - olive green - olive tree
Amore - pink - palm tree 
Aurora - periwinkle, dogwood tree
Bailen - sparkling violet, catalpa tree
Beasel - russet brown, maple tree
Blumbel - sunshine yellow, sweetgum tree
Caursine - red, redwood tree
Chippala - navy, cherry blossom tree
Cyuna - pea green, ginko tree
Elpha - lime green, mamosa tree
Enatchi - orange, oak tree
Exurras - dark blue, willow tree
Haranta - white, birch tree
Hillenfor - salmon pink, bradfruit pear tree
Huran - Brown, sequoia
Imiya - rose, rose bush
Ivanae - mauve, mulberry tree
Jalarie - sky blue, sassafras tree


list to be continued.


 До свидания!    

Free Will (and other musings)

How is it possible that God could create human beings with complete free will?  It's like making a robot and knowing exactly what it's going to do, because YOU created it. God is omniscient, meaning he knows (or knew) what choices we'll make. Therefore he created us knowing that we would choose to fall into sin, we'd choose to eat the forbidden fruit, we'd choose to follow Satan instead of Him. I don't understand how he could design us so that the choice would be completely up to us. Isn't everything that makes us up, especially our decision making skills, directly from the hands of God? But that would make us robots without consciousness and uniqueness, and clearly we are each our own person. I just don't understand... it seems like mankind was destined to fall into sin, and God never really created an option for us to live without sin forever. It's like some big cosmic joke. Oh, I'm bored being here all by myself, so let's create some people! But wait, let's tell them they have a 'choice', knowing all along that they'll choose not to be with me, and then the people that end up NOT believing or even BEING AWARE that God exists, they will be condemned to eternal punishment. Sounds GREAT.

I love God, though. I mean I kind of have to, knowing that He exists and that Jesus died for us (even though I don't understand why He really had to). I still don't think it's real love that we have for God. The only reason we love Him is that there's something in it for us - eternal life. Those who can process that God is real are afraid of Hell and therefore MUST trust in God if they care about their afterlife suffering. So it's like a self-preserving faith, which I don't understand why God would want that. If everyone were going to heaven, He'd know who really loves Him. They would love Him because he created them and because he is great. I feel like that love would be ultimately superior to the selfish love that most Christians express today.

Shalom.

Bleh

I just made an awesome dinner/dessert for my family. I cooked a chicken satay, stir-fried vegetables, and an apple crumb pie. It was pretty delish.

I... I don't know what to do now. I feel extremely bored. This sometimes happens on SPRING BREAK. 

I would go to Barnes and Noble but I feel like they close at eight. 
Maybe I'll just go to my room and read The DaVinci Code. It's a really good book so far.

bleh bleh bleh this is how I feel.

Oh, you know Topher Grace? Yeah, he's beautiful. Look at his face. Doesn't he look like the most awesome guy in the world? Next to Derek, of course?
If I was on That 70's Show (and I would be Donna, of course) I SO would not have broken up with him for 'my future'. I would totally be cool with being a housewife. I love cooking... and taking care of the children would be /alright/ I suppose. I mean, for the right guy I'm totally willing to give up any future I may have had. And by the 'right guy' I mean Derek or the Guy who Reminds Me of Derek or Topher Grace.

But for now... I still have to find a decent college to go to. There's just TOO MANY OPTIONS. :P    -achoo-

-goes to play Farmville- My asparagus is ready to harvest. How exciting.

Zai jian. (Mandarin Chinese for goodbye)

Productivity... what is this?

It's Saturdaaay!! The first official day of SPRING BREAK and it's off to a great start. So far today I've gone running, suntanning, and tried to drive to Derek's house (and failed for the third time... I cannot stalk him for the life of me). Now I'm going to find out what college I'm going to, and after that I think I'll clean up my room. I'm just knocking things right off of my intinterary. And it's wonderful.

So, I'm looking at all the nutritional science majors and seeing if any of the colleges correspond to spanish major schools. Super fun. I don't want to think about college now...
I hardly even notice the lack of neopets in my life. It's kind of sad. I think when I go back I'll adopt out all of my pets. Maybe. Except Vercenta, my unconverted faerie blumaroo. Because she's beautiful.
Oh, I should start marinating some chicken to grill tonight, too. 


I think I saw Derek on my way to his house. He was wearing a white shirt and getting into the passenger seat of a car in a parking lot.


Okay... off to do more productive things. This post is kind of short, so to make up for it... I should post something random... or some deep thought that I have. Let's see.


I wonder sometimes if I'm really in love with Derek at all, or if I'm just in love with the idea of being in love. I mean, I haven't had a boyfriend since second grade, so my perspective is skewed. I just wish I knew what it was like to be in a serious relationship. But I wouldn't want to experience it with anyone besides Derek. For now. There's this other guy at school that kind of reminds me of him and so I'd totally give him a chance too. I would however not consent to marry him immediately, as I would Derek.
It seems like relationships are so much fun though. I would bake him cookies every single day if he wanted them. I'd braid my hair every day so I'd 'look like a Viking' like he said, because he thinks it is cute. I could drive him places because he doesn't have a car. I don't know if he has a license yet. Probably not. 
I don't even know when his birthday is! I must find out. But I can't go to his profile page to look because I've already been there like a hundred times and if he ever uses that stalker app I'll be like number freaking one. And he can't know that I stalk him.
That's all.


Sayonara.

Thank the Lord it's Friday!

Yes. It's Friday. And it's also the beginning of... SPRING BREAK '11!!! Woohoo!! It's a beautiful day. Everything is just wonderful. I had to stay late after school today to make up a Precalculus test which was pretty awful, but then I was free! I came home and put on my purple swimsuit and went outside to tan. It was a little chilly but the sun was bright so hopefully I am slightly less of a ghostly blue now.
I didn't really talk to Derek much today. I did smile for him, though. He said it didn't look that bad. Which was kind of sad to hear. But whatever.
The C.D. thing didn't work out so I didn't get to give him music before the spring break. I hope he doesn't forget about me. But he probably will... because now he has unlimited time to spend with his girlfriend. Sigh.
I wrote a love letter to him in Spanish (the language not the class). It's beautiful. I'll never give it to him, of course, but it does show quite accurately my obsession with him and with the Spanish language. (my two life loves)


So, I think I need to make some plans for this amazing SPRING BREAK so I don't end up wasting it as usual. Let's make an intinerary!! And when I say let's, I'm referring to myself as a plural because sometimes I exhibit signs of multiple personality disorder. Also autism and OCD.


Jessie's Subpar Awesome SPRING BREAK '11 INTINERARY!

1. Clean my room - it's really gotten to be quite a mess. Also I will have to go back to sleeping in there once my sister returns.
2. Clean my car - it's also gotten to be quite a mess. Half of my wardrobe and books are in there. I should also wash it if there's an especially warm day sometime. That'd be fun.
3. Study - especially for the ACT and the AP US History Exam.
4. Look at colleges and find out where I want to go - I'm getting old and it's time to face the ugly truth: I have to do something with my life.
5. Exercise - I need to start running seriously if I ever want to be in cross country. Derek runs cross country. That is why I am doing it. I'm also in the musical (Brigadoon) because he is in it. He plays Mr. Lundie. I am in the chorus, sadly. Also do ab workouts and stuff.
6. Suntan - my skin is literally glowing white with a blue tint. I want to be golden. :) 
7. Maybe get a haircut - just a few inches' trim, perhaps some layers.
8. Do my homework... i.e. study for history test, make an amazing physics outline for extra credit, study some spanish and precalc.
9. English research paper - this deserves its own number. I'm writing about year-round schools and how they are superior to schools that break during the summer.
10. Drive to Hillsboro and wander the grassy plains by our family's old cabin. Try not to be a stalker to the people that are living there now.
11. Drive to Derek's house and try not to be a creeper. If he is outside, drive by REAL fast so he doesn't know who it is.
12. Try not to look like a hobo/creeper in general. This is a good thing.
13. Read excellent literature and continue writing in my blog
14. Draw some decent art with my SKETCHPAD
15. Practice my french horn, finish transcribing My Heart Will Go On so my french horn teacher won't get mad at me.
16. Cook meals for my family that are healthy and delicious.
17. Don't eat too much food. I think staying away from Neopets AND food is a great idea. Also I leave on band tour to Florida in two weeks so I need to be legit skinny.
18. Go to the Cathedral Basilica again - maybe for Lent services
19. Read magazines and pay attention to the news
20. Do some origami - always fun

I guess that's it. Twenty things to do during SPRING BREAK '11. I think I can do it. I'd better print it out, though. I'll be sure to keep this blog updated with my success. 


I think tonight I'm going to go to the ghost mall (it's almost completely devoid of actual stores selling things) and walk around for exercise. Get ready for some intense running tomorrow if it's warm. (:


Oh, another thing to do; try not to obsess about Derek too much. I know he's beautiful but really, my heart can't handle extended periods of unrequited love. We'll see how this goes.

Guten Tag... ? Not sure if that means goodbye as well as hello. 

BUT IT'S PRETTY LEGIT EITHER WAY.

Love Today

Good evening. It's been a lovely day today.
My band and choir went to do this mini performance thing at a rich lutheran's club. I'm in the band, of course, and Derek is in the choir. When we got to school really early in the morning, he stood by me while eating his breakfast. It was amazing. Then he came on the same bus as I was and sat almost across from me. I had this random lace shawl thing and I put it over my head as a joke and he said I looked like the Virgin Mary. <3
On the way home he sat right behind me. He was kind of insane, probably from lack of sleep, so he kept singing random songs. Once he put my name into a song while he was singing. It was so cute. 
Later in the hallway I was getting stuff out of my locker and taking a really long time so I could walk with him down the hallway and up the stairs. He asked me if we had english homework and I reminded him that I wasn't in his class and he laughed. Then as I headed to my spanish room he said, 'Adios' which was nice because he doesn't even speak spanish, but rather french. 
Another time in the hallway he was talking to someone else but as he passed me he waved his hand in front of me. I think he really does love me.


I'm making him a C.D. to give him tomorrow. Here's the playlist:
1. Hey Ya (Acoustic) - by Obadiah Parker
2. C'etait Salement Romantique - by Coeur de Pirate
3. Everlasting Light - by The Black Keys
4. Love Today - by Mika
5. Fly - by Hilary Duff
6. Pour un infidele - by Coeur de Pirate
7. Renegade - by STYX!!
8. Meadows of Heaven - by Nightwish
9. Comme des enfants - by Coeur de Pirate
10. Outside Looking In - by Jordan Pruitt
11. Heaven Forbid - by The Fray
12. Come Sail Away - by STYX!!
13. Her Name Is Alice - by Shinedown
14. Berceuse - by Coeur de Pirate
15. Jessie's Girl - by Glee Cast
16. Kids - by MGMT
17. Us - by Regina Spektor


I hope it's not too... obsessive. It does feature Coeur de Pirate quite a bit. PIRATE HEART <3


Give her a dollar, and she'll make you smile. - Love Today
Got to love Mika.


Alright. Time to go.


Bonjour.

Temptation and Resistance

I keep going to my bookmarks and wanting to go to the Pound Chat on neopets... but it's not there... because I deleted it.
So to resist this awful temptation I'm going to dissect the first song on the playlist of the C.D. Derek gave me!
The song is... Nightmare, by Avenged Sevenfold. Great way to start off a C.D.

When I first heard this song I started laughing because it's so not the music I typically listen to. Also when the f bomb came up, that was great. But it's really fascinating, especially when examining the lyrics. It's now one of my top 15 favorite songs.
It starts off with this haunting bells or xylophone solo while slowly getting darker and scarier.
Then... BAM the rock music starts. It's the same notes as the bells part but with an electric guitar and keyboard or something.
NIGHTMARE!!
Ashes burning, you can smell it in the air (Today is Ash Wednesday so that's cool)

Still dancing with your demons... trying to resist temptation (Derek) is like dancing with Satan.
It hurts to know that you belong here (in hell)... yeah, that would hurt.

I'm guessing the narrator of this song is like, a demon. Or Satan perhaps. Someone who's taken me into my nightmare where there's no way out. My pain is what they desire. Is the nightmare a metaphor for something? Probably.
Wait. In my lyrics it says the word, 'anekatips' after 'not to fall, fall'. I will look this up later.

My favorite part: "And I know you hear their voices (calling from above),  and I know they may seem real (these signals of love), But life's made up of choices (some without appeal).
Maybe these signals of love seem real to me, the signs that I read that Derek is in love with me... but he's telling me I have a choice. Some without appeal... is he saying that I don't find it appealing to be without him, but I have to? Or is he saying that the truth is, he's not that appealing?


All right, let's look up 'anekatips' and find out if this is a legit word in like German or something.
Research results:

"So yeah, Anekatips isn't a word and it isn't in the song. It is just "working fine, no glitches, plug me in and flip some switches". The guy is just slipping his websites name into lyrics."

"anekatips

To alter and replacate or impersonate the original copy. Does not need to be exactly idenical, but enough, to know it is the same as first. Re-Create."

"There is a domain of that name controlled by two servers. As far as I can discover it seems to be a made up name, probably based on the name Anneka which is a variant of the old name Anne or Hanna, a Hebrew name meaning 'blessed with a child'. "

Interesting stuff. I guess it's just a made up word... I'm not really sure. Moving on. :)

"They took for granted your soul and it's ours now to steal" I hope he means that my soul is his to steal. <3

I'm kinda tired of investigating this song now... should I do another song, or just finish this post now? 

I know. I'll flip a coin. Heads - another song. Tails - finish the post.

Can't find a coin. Flipping my library card... bar code up, finish the post, color side up, do another song.

Turns out flipping a library card is kind of hard. It landed on bar code up, however. So this is the end of my post. Woohoo!

Some life lessons I have learned today: everyone should just love everyone else. The world is a cruel place. Things are never as they seem. Sex is fun. Guys from other schools always seem more attractive than guys from your school. Homework should always be done at the last minute. Life sucks but it's worth it. Love never lasts.

-makes the handsign that Pocahontas makes at the end of the movie-

Wingapo.

The Fun Begins (part 2) - Facts about me

So, you're stalking my blog and want to know more about me, of course. Because I'm that cool and exciting.

So HERE YOU GO!

 This is a completely honest and factual list of all of the components of my life.

My name is Jessie. I'm a junior in high school. I'm Lutheran. I guess. I kind of want to be Catholic sometimes but WHATEVER.

My favorite class in school is Spanish, along with history (only because Derek is in it) and Neighbors class. When I grow up I want to be a nutritionist/dietician type person and also a spanish translator if possible.

I have a brother and a sister, both of whom are quite old. My sister is in her second year of college and my brother's living at home being a bum. He went to architecture school and he sort of has a job or two but he never goes in to work except like once a week. He's cool though. Kind of.

I have a cat named Cassie. Well, her full name is Cassandra Allison Marie. She's named after the seer in the Harry Potter books. You know, Professor Trelawney's great-great grandmother or something? Yeah that's my cat. She's black and white striped with beautiful olive eyes. I believe she's originally from Norway since her features are almost IDENTICAL to that of a Norwegian Forest Cat. She's really mean and doesn't let anyone hold her. She's bitten and scratched me too many times to count. Still, I could not be happier that I finally have a cat of my own. In fifth grade I made a deal with my parents that if I took another year of piano lessons, I could get a cat. And I got Cassie. :) Her face is usually the background on my phone.

I don't really like my parents that much. I mean, I love them for being my parents and for buying stuff for me and not abusing me and stuff, but as people they're REALLY annoying. For instance, the day after I got my driver's license, they suddenly decided that they didn't trust me to drive anywhere by myself besides school. Another example - when I wanted to move downstairs (which was originally my brother Niccolo's room) because my room is RIGHT NEXT to theirs, and I'm telling you, I can HEAR THINGS IN THERE that most people don't want to hear; they threw this HUGE fit and would not let me move down there for the longest time until I argued with them extensively, and triumphed using my brilliant logic. I also cried. That helped. 

Of course, crying DOESN'T help when you're trying to petition your English teacher to give you an A. I seriously had a 92% and I needed a 93, so I went to talk to him and started bawling. I'm a perfectionist and had never gotten an A- before. Instead of being nice and offering me extra credit or something, you know what he said? "Don't worry about this. An A- now will just make the other bad grades you're bound to get later on easier to handle." And THAT is why I hate my English teacher. Even though his class is kind of interesting sometimes. But it's because of him that my GPA will NEVER be a 4.0 and is always destined to be like, 3.98. Which SUCKS.

My favorite colors are blue and pink. My favorite colors change quite often, however. In the past I liked blue and green, yellow (for a brief period), and pink and purple.

I name my purses. And other objects. My purses are named things like Perseverence, Persephone, Percy Ignatious, Priscilla, Satchel, and Perspective. My phone is named iPromise. My iPod is named iStan. My car is named Carlisle. 

My room is painted a beautiful sea blue. Of course I don't sleep in there any more. Lately I've been inhabitating my sister's room. Which is painted in deep red and purple with gold stamped patterns. It's intense in there. But I'd rather be there than in my legit room right next to my parents' room. 

I'm not really popular in school but I have a few good friends I think. I'm kind of a nerd and I'm kind of shy, which some people might see as being snobby but I'm actually just really opposed to talking to random people that I don't know. 

My biggest fears are the unknown and the darkness.

I like change. Even when it seems bad at first it usually turns out to be good.
Neopets and Farmville are two of my biggest obsessions. It's going to be really hard not playing Neopets every day for these six weeks. I know I can make it though because I can accomplish most things I set my mind to. And my mind is SET baby.
I'm in the wind symphony at my high school. I play third chair french horn. My instrument is crap because my parents are too lazy to get me a pretty one. But I'm good at playing. At least I would be if I put in effort in practicing. /laughs/
I love Jesus but most of the time I really don't understand what's up with everything. I'll get into this another day though.
I LOVE reading books. Princess Diaries is my favorite series of all time. I've learned like, half of my life knowledge from the wisdom of Meg Cabot.
My favorite movies in the world are Inception and Titanic. I'm in love with Leonardo DiCaprio. But I have to say, if given a choice between Derek and Leo, I'd choose Derek. Leo only dates models too. And I could never be a model because I'm too short and not anorexic skinny and I don't think my facial structure really pertains to the world of modeling.
But I LOVE the way I look. I think I have pretty high self-esteem. I mean, I know some things are wrong about me but I accept them. I like my faults because they're what make me unique.
I have Crohn's disease. And chronic cluster migraines. No big deal. I don't let them become a significant part of my life so I won't talk about it.
I love listening to music and watching movies over and over again. Disney movies are amazing, like Pocahontas and The Little Mermaid and Mulan and Lion King and Beauty and the Beast and Tarzan.
I'm running out of things to say for now but hopefully you have a clear picture of who I am. :)
So, this is goodbye! I may write in here again later tonight if I get bored/have a desire to do something on the computer.

Auf Wiedersehen!

The Fun Begins!

I've changed all of my neopets passwords to ridiculously long number and letter combinations, written them down, and locked them away in my closet. I'm sorely tempted to go on neopets right now, but I'm choosing to be productive by writing my feelings in my blog. Yay.

Today I went to the Model United Nations conference representing Switzerland with five of my classmates. I chose Switzerland for our delegation because I was thinking of Eclipse, when Bella declares herself to be Team Switzerland. I think neutrality is pretty cool. Our display board won an honorable mention but the flag that I hand-sewed didn't win anything. It was quite sad.


We met some REALLY cute guys there. Two boys from the South Africa team came over to talk to me and my friend. They were really nice and their eyes were all brown and sparkly.


The guys from Japan and Germany were also very handsome. I think I would have agreed to marry either of them. But things like that don't happen in today's society, unfortunately. Or maybe it's fortunate. I'd probably end up with some abusive Japanese husband that I secretly hate. But he'd be totally beautiful, I can guarantee that.

But there's only one guy I think I would consent to live the rest of my life with that I think I would actually learn to love. I'm going to call him Derek but that's not his real name obviously. He and I are pretty good friends and I think I might have a chance with him if he weren't in another relationship. rawr.

I write poetry about him sometimes but it's pretty awful so I won't share it with you. I've been debating with my friend whether it's morally wrong to harbor feelings for someone who has a girlfriend already. I don't think so as long as thinking about him isn't inappropriate. I'm not technically coveting him, I just dream about him night and day. I'd feel bad if he and his girlfriend broke up. So I think it's okay. I may be totally immoral but whatever.

So Derek is really beautiful. He has dark hair and hazelish eyes and he's so funny. His taste in music is awesome while at the same time a little bit scary.
He's given me a few things that I have treasured in my room. One, a roll of duct tape. I was hanging around after school this one day, hoping I'd run into him, but it didn't work so I started to leave. Then I heard him call, "Jessie!" He was way down the hallway and he started running towards me. I swear it was like from a movie. Then when he came up to me he handed me the roll of duct tape, looked me in the eyes, and left. When I got home I inspected the duct tape closely but sadly there were no secret messages on it. Something like, "I'm deeply in love with you but our relationship will have to wait until me and Carina are through." But no.
The second thing he's given me is a C.D. It's called "Jessie's Introduction to Real Rock :)" He wrote that on the C.D. Yes, it does have a smiley face in the title. I'll be dissecting the songs in the playlist (their lyrics and hidden meanings) in later blog posts. He also wrote out the playlist and little things about each song, like who his favorite singers are, and which songs they curse in. I gave him a C.D. too and I think he liked it but it's not really his type of music. But his type of music is becoming my type of music because I love him.
The third thing he gave me was a box of two cupcakes. They were lemon flavored. He baked them in return for me helping him with his history homework. :)
A few days ago, on Facebook, I received a notification that Derek had commented on one of my photos. He just said, "lol". But the photo was this reeeaaallly old picture from, like, freshman year. I get the feeling he was stalking my profile or something.
Yesterday at lunch I was refusing to open my mouth because I have a new retainer and I'm self-conscious about that type of thing, especially in front of the man I love. He was trying to get me to open my mouth, and he said, "You look prettier when you smile." !!! I really wanted to smile then but I didn't. After school I saw him coming towards me in the hallway and he put his hand out and stopped me. He tried to make me smile and I did but I couldn't open my mouth in front of him. I really wanted to though because he looked so sad. Earlier that morning he'd sat down next to me in the hallway while I was studying for physics. I wouldn't talk to him and he thought I was in a bad mood or mad at him or something. I wanted to say, "No! I'm not in a bad mood! I'm actually happy, no, ECSTATIC, that you're sitting here with me because I love you and I only want to spend every living minute of my life with you! But I can't talk right now!" but of course saying that would be out of the question.
Okay, I've exhausted my Derek material for today. That was actually fun. And somewhat fulfilling.
What to talk about now... hmm...
I guess I could talk about myself. I'm going to start a new blog post though because I feel like this one is quite full.

The First Day And There Was Light

Hey, hi there. I just created my first blog and now I'm writing the first post. I know, duh. 

I'm not officially starting this blog until Ash Wednesday, when I begin the six week period of Lent and I will begin going without playing Neopets until Easter.

But this is NOT a religious blog. Don't worry. Although I might mention religion in my ramblings, this blog is basically my journal to muse about life and find more questions than answers.

I'm not really expecting anyone to be stalker-y enough to actually read this, but if you are, well, thanks! I hope that you enjoy reading my blog, and I hope it turns out well, for your sake.

So yeah, my name's Jessie, I go to high school in the U.S. and I'm a junior. I'm pretty cool.

Adios.