Dear Will

Dear Will,
I love you.
I know you think it's too early, that it'll ruin our relationship if we say those three words too soon.
I don't care.
You might not feel the same way, (in fact I know you don't), but that doesn't change my feelings towards you. I care about you a whole lot. You're amazingly attractive, kind and thoughtful, hilarious, charming, respectful and patient, and everything I could ever want in a guy. You're the best. I love you. I love saying those words - I love you. Because I'm too afraid to say them to your face. The only joy I can get is typing them, and saying them in my head as loud as I can whenever I'm with you. Can you see it in my eyes? Probably not. You are a guy, after all.
And then again, sometimes I get to thinking. What is love? (baby don't hurt me) I really don't actually know. At all. I think about you when I wake up in the morning, and you're the last thing I think about when I fall asleep. Whenever I learn something new  my first thought is, "I wonder what Will would think about this." I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Well, that might be going a little far. But yeah I'd marry you.
And I don't actually trust you completely. Whenever you act distant or don't text me back or whatever, I start thinking that you don't want to date me any more and you're going to go back to Anna because you've never stopped loving her. And those thoughts should surprise me but they don't. I expect you to break my heart because that's what happened with Danny, and you're a lot like him in many ways. So I honestly would not be shocked at all if you dumped me for Anna. Is that love? I don't know. I'm scared every day that this happiness, this safety that I feel will just disappear and I'll go crashing down to the ground from the apex of the cliff again, just like when Danny crushed me with his crappy-Mizuno-running-shoed foot. I hope you won't do that to me, but it's very possible at this point. And I don't know what I'd do if that happened. I'd probably never totally trust again, but because I sort of expect it to happen, maybe I'd recover and just be even more careful with my heart next time.

BUT. I THINK I LOVE YOU. PLEASE DON'T HURT ME.

Wessie

I think I might possibly have fallen in love. With Will.

You know, being in a legitimate relationship has taught me a lot about life and love.

I've been reading over my old blog posts and I realize how stupid I was. I thought I loved Danny back then but that was a totally one-sided delusion. Love isn't infatuation.

Love is a choice, an action to love someone that you care about, to love them unconditionally no matter what happens. Love is friendship on fire. Love is not having to worry about where you stand with someone, because you know they feel the same way about you. Love is thinking about that person when you wake up and when you fall asleep. Love is caring about the other person and being concerned when they get hurt or sick. Love is wanting the best for the other person even if it's not what makes you happy. Love is holding on tight but willing to let go when the time's right. Love doesn't make you change who you are.

When I look into his beautiful purple/green/hazel eyes I think I might be in love. The way he looks at me makes me feel like the most special girl in the world. He makes me feel amazing and happy and totally content. I feel like I can be myself around him and he actually likes me for my weirdness and insane-ness. He's the sweetest most genuinely kind-hearted guy I've ever known. And even if he does break up with me someday (because lawd knows I'll never break up with him), I know I'll still care about him for the rest of my life. Because he was my first real love.

I'm not sure if I will have sex with him one day or not. Part of me really wants to (yeah you probably know which part xD), but part of me doesn't want to do something I'll regret in the future. Cause Jessie Reed doesn't have regrets. I'm okay with fooling around and doing fun stuff, but sex is a huge step. Your virginity is something you can never get back. So I'm not sure. We'll see.


One day, Saskatchewan.